I read a post by JCProbably talking about making friends as an adult. At the end, she asked, “How are you making friends?” So, I’d like to take the time to answer in a post.
The short answer is, I’m not. Along with all the usual scheduling conflicts that make adult friendships hard, I have a couple more that have made it harder than usual for me.
I work from home. It’s nice to have people constantly around you, so you can learn more about each other and grow together. When I did work outside the house, I would make all sorts of friends—people I could call and who could call me if we needed each other. These friendships were not especially deep. You know how a proximity friend can be nice, but maybe not exactly what you’re looking for in a friendship. Still, these are important friendships to have for a full social life. I may not keep up with most of them when I move on, but that’s okay. We have to make room for the people around us, and it’s okay that it’s not easy to keep in touch when our lives change—more than okay—it’s natural.
Another issue I’m working with is living in a small town, in a time when 3rd places are disappearing. Just last month, my 3rd place of over 10 years changed owners, and this new owner doesn’t want to provide a third place anymore. No matter how much I’ve looked, I can’t find a replacement.
The way of commerce is now “get your shit and get out.” You used to be able to go to any place that sold food or drinks and grab a table that you would take your time at exchanging ideas with friends. They even had comfortable seating. Now, I’m seeing signs that want you out after 30 minutes, music so loud you can’t hear yourself think, and chairs that feel like they’re made out of bedrock. So, I don’t go to these places anymore. I’m not paying more for food and beverages to be rushed out, when I can go to a grocery store and pay much less.
The last part I want to bring up is that I’m just a bit picky over who I’m friends with. It sucks to have fewer options for friends, because I won’t lower my standards—but I respect myself too much to lower my standards. If someone is constantly canceling plans at the last minute, not showing up at all or calling to let me know, leaving me on read when I try to reach out, or treating me poorly when we do hang out—I’m not interested.
Right now, I have two things that involve being around adults, a non-profit I volunteer with that meets once a quarter and a table-top gaming group that meets once a month if we’re lucky. The first is all business, and the latter is being around people while I pretend to be someone else.
I’m learning a lot about how to be comfortable with my own company, and I’ve got some cool things going for me that take up much of my time. While I’m not actively making friends, I am maintaining a handful of friendships. We don’t meet very often, but they are important to me and worth the wait. In the meantime, I’ve gotten used to being alone more. Though, I have a large family at home, so my “alone” is never truly solitary.
I would love to see your thoughts on your own blog, my email, or Mastodon.